“We can’t do this anymore, if he’s going to Arsenal. We all love him now, but who is going to love him when he goes to Arsenal?
“He’s going to be going to Arsenal on a free! He was with [Unai] Emery on a free wasn’t he, so he’s going to Arsenal on a free because he is out of contract in the summer.
“This is breaking news, Juan Mata is going to Arsenal. This is what I have heard, it is not official. My sources close to the club have said he is going to Arsenal on a free.
“By the way, when it happens, you can all ring up and say ‘We doubted you but, as ever, you were right.’”